There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
