You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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