I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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