She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
