We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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