some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
