i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
