I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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