Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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