Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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