I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
