we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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