if i can run in heels then i can drive
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
