I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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