it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
