I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
