I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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