i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
