i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
