In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
