the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
