Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
