whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
