I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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