I need to stop coming to work sober
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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