: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
