no, he came in my armpit
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
