I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
