I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
