Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
we should paint friendship bongs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
