After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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