dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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