i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
