I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
