i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
