Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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