explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
