wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
