I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The Olympian is in my bed
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