Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
