just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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