My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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