Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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