You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize