Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
