She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
