This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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