Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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