hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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