yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
