Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
