all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
third nipple confirmed
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
