Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize