What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize