that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
