Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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