I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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