i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
