I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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